Andrew Osenga - Too Far to Walk

Here's the second installment in our weekly song lyrics postings. No other postings have happened yet, largely because I'm still full-time with the Scion and partly because I blew a lot of time putting up photos on Facebook. Sure was fun to go down memory lane with those, though! Only bummer is being unable to find shots from the Memorial Day weekend at Mammoth Cave with the DeYoungs. Apparently we saved 'em in some funky place on the laptop that I'm still trying to locate. Soon as I have, though, those are going up. The one with Caedmon and Laurie on the table and the two backpack shots are pretty much my favorites of all my photos of the little guy.

Anyway, with no further ado: this week's entry is by Andrew Osenga, and it is entitled "Too Far to Walk." Andrew (now goes by Andy) was formerly the lead singer of The Normals, then put out a solo CD, and then began writing/touring/singing with Caedmon's Call. I originally disliked his music because he had been recommended to me as one of these "If you like how Caedmon's sounds, you'll like such-and-such." Well, at the time I was mostly listening to the early Caedmon's stuff, and he didn't sound much like it. So the first time around, I put the CD away and didn't hear it again for three months.

Then came that awesome camping weekend when CH-$, the DeYoungs, Heather Richardson, Marc Hong and myself (I feel like I'm short somebody, but I know nobody else rode in my car...) went down to northern IN to a youth rally thing at which Caedmon's was playing. That was the concert in which Marc, Mitch, and I were all singing along to one of songs as it was being played, but because the band was short-handed they weren't doing the call-and-response portion of the song like usual...except, of course, WE were. So the entire crowd is silent and there's a couple beats that would've been quiet in the absence of the response, but instead you hear the three of us coming through beautifully in a little 3-part harmony. The great thing is that the venue was so small that the band heard us, and you could totally see a surprised/confused look on Cliff Young's face. It was priceless.

At any rate, Caedmon's took a quick break and ceded the stage to Andy, who was touring with them. He did a great rendition of "High School Band," a wonderful song that I probably won't post anytime soon but which nonetheless prompted me to give his CD another listen. (The video picks up a bit after the first stanza, but the audio is so much better than the other options that I figured it's better to have this one than another with worse sound but the extra twenty seconds...) Since then, he's been one of my absolute favorites, mostly because of his very confessional and narrative style. Many of his songs are little vignettes, rather than just being a collection of verses and a chorus; what's more, his favorite approach seems to be to write from the perspective of people who've Made Mistakes. You know, the kind of people a lot of Christians look down upon.

TOO FAR TO WALK
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, I did what I planned to do,
and I feel like I knew I would feel,
and I want to come back to you.

My mind is thick and it’s dirty.
My heart, it ran to hide.
My plans proved I don’t know what I’m doing,
'cause I used to feel alive.

There’s an angel on my left shoulder,
and ten devils on my right.
Jesus, you’ll have to come get me,
'cause it’s too far to walk tonight.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, how can I explain
these promises scattered ‘round the floor by the bed,
like dinner clothes after a date?

I get scared that forgiveness is for better people,
so I give up trying to fight.
Jesus, you’ll have to come get me,
'cause it’s too far to walk tonight.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, how precious is that name.
And while you’re forgiving I’m sorry I forget
that you came for sinners to save.

Unfortunately, I was not able to find any videos with this song, nor any recordings online.

I think the reason I love this song is probably pretty self-explanatory. Can any of us honestly say we have never experienced this kind of crippling doubt, this sense of imbalance, this desperation for God to reveal himself?

There’s an angel on my left shoulder/and ten devils on my right.

I mean, it'd be one thing if the ratio were 1:1, or maybe even just 3:1. But 10:1?! I mean, good grief! How am I *ever* supposed to get this right? And often enough, that is what it feels like. Very Saint Paul-ish. If only my devils and angels just did stuff like argue over harps and robes, show off with one-handed handstand pushups, and defend the honor of my spinach puffs.

I get scared that forgiveness is for better people/so I give up trying to fight.

I've never had anyone ask me this flat-out, and I've always kind of been scared that they will, 'cause I never really knew how I'd answer it. "Tim, with all your doubts and frustrations and questions and confusion, why do you remain a Christian?" Partly, I think it's because I feel like, overall, this all makes sense. It holds together. And, deep down, I think I really do believe that God is loving, kind, forgiving, etc. I just feel, roughly 95% of the time, that He is that way toward others. Since y'all know how deeply ingrained self-doubt is in my identity, you'll not be surprised to hear that there's nothing remotely contradictory in my mind about saying that God loves all, forgives all, heals all...except for me. You know, *I* am the ONE exception, the one person that God can't possibly love. I've *seen* what He does for you, friend, I've seen what He does for others...but He can't possibly feel that way about me. I can dedicate my efforts as a Christian to meeting people's physical needs; to counseling them through periods of spiritual and emotional pain; even to earnestly and sincerely trying to explain the faith to nonbelievers; and yet all the while I feel as though private prayer on my own behalf is utterly wasted, that the Bible presents me with more questions than answers, and that God does not deign to speak to me in any way I am capable of understanding. Such is the dichotomy.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, how precious is that name/And while you’re forgiving I’m sorry I forget/that you came for sinners to save.

So, here's the refutation to the above, right? Well, I suppose. But it still (almost) never feels that way. For me, the most relevant response to the feelings articulated above is just the following:

Jesus, you’ll have to come get me/'cause it’s too far to walk tonight.

Or, honestly, ever. Not in the "I can't possibly see an instance in which I'd be ready to approach you, Jesus," but rather in the sense that "It's too far to walk tonight. And it will be tomorrow. And the day after. And *someday* I might be ready, but I don't know when that'll be. In the meantime, you just keep coming to me. Because for the foreseeable future, I haven't got it in me to take the first step."

At any rate, the song is pretty much typical of Andy's writing on the "Photographs" CD, and I get very similar vibes (feelings of spiritual anguish, self-doubt, etc.) from a number of the other tracks. Possibly why this is one of my 'Desert Island' CDs.